Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
