My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
