I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
love makes seman taste better
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize