I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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