And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
