Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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