sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
