NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
