My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
