Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you had me at cake vodka
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
