the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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