I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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