I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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