So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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