her vagine was all disorganized.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
