just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
