I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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