I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
