So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
