You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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