Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
