Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
