I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
