dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
