She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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