he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
