And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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