I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
