her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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