Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
