you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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