At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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