i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize