so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
