Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
