think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
