I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dick very happy bro
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
