I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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