I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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