Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
