If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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