Why are handjobs necessary in class?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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