Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
