is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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