i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
