Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
