you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
