i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
