I am in a vortex of obligation.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
