I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
