So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
