i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
