i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think a kid would responsible me up
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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