Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
