you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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