Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
