trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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