Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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