I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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