Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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